How to Spot a DBag on Facebook

Facebook means friends forever. When it comes to friend requests, let me make it very clear when you should just say no.

You have a new friend request on Facebook. When you first see the name, your initial reaction is “Who in the Jack?”, but then you check the picture and immediately recognize the girl/guy from the party/social function last weekend.

Now, your initial instinct is probably just to add this person without giving it a second thought. Resist this temptation. No matter how cool they seemed at first, this person may still turn out to be a DBag, and you don’t want to just let any DB leave you birthday wall posts or make comments on out-of-context photos of you from years before you met them. Check for the warning signs:

Do they have one or more lines from John Lennon’s “Imagine” in their quotes section?
That song sucks harder than a jet pump on a hot tub. There, I said it. Okay, it’s catchy and has a positive message and whatever, but I can’t possibly be the only person on the planet who thinks the lyrics sound like the sentiments of a ninth grader who just got high for the first time.

“You might say that I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one.”

Whoa. I am floored by your vague idealism, man. Give me a stinking break.

Do you believe in ghosts? Because if I die and you decide to make a slideshow of my life and set it to “Imagine” at my funeral, I will come back from beyond the grave to scare the living crap out of you every time you wash your hands in a public place.

Is their profile picture a blurry snapshot of them playing the bass in what appears to be a high school auditorium?
This one should probably be self-explanatory. It could have been any instrument really, but I went with the bass. Don’t take it personally.

Is their profile picture a snapshot of them holding a camera in a mirror, showing off their abs?
If I have to explain this, you too are a DBag.

Have they used their “About Me” section to place a free personal ad?

I’m a warm-hearted, hard-working, laidback, easygoing, outgoing, personable, down-to-earth guy who loves to have a good time. I love my friends and family and my job and my dog. I’m relatable and approachable and I’m an excellent conversationalist. I’m always interested in meeting new people who are cool.

Other common adjectives include “chill,” “honest,” and “easy to talk to.” Let me guess: you hate it when people are fake. I can’t tell whether you’re desperately lonely or running for public office. I’m not sure if you noticed this, but the section where you listed your turn-ons is called “Interests.”

Do they use complete sentences to fill out each section?

You are listing things that you like. You really don’t need to get all proper on us. If your favorite music section involves an apology for half the bands on it (“I loooooove LL Cool J and I don’t care what anyone thinks. Also I like Aqua I am a dork lol ”) then you are almost certainly a DBag.

Do they advertise every embarrassing detail of their failed romances in the status section?

Last year I had the unique opportunity to observe a bitter status battle between two recently broken-up acquaintances. It was fascinating from an anthropological standpoint.

Boy X has fallen and landed on his heart and it hurts bad.
Girl Y is sorry it had to be this way.
Boy X has decided it’s her loss.
Girl Y doesn’t love you anymore and wishes you could just accept that.
Boy X ACCEPT THAT?! HOW COULD I F@#$@G ACCEPT THAT??!?

And so went the bitter argument for several days, and thanks to Facebook, they were able to broadcast it to every person they’d ever met who happened to own a computer, including me. Thanks a lot.

Is their name Les?
This is more of a personal jab at someone I know who’s a total Douche that’s named Les, but most everyone I know named Les, regardless of who they are, were DB’s. So, I guess we can make this a general tip. I know, it’s a bit questionable. But, I’m sure this theory holds water. If not, let me know.

Do they have the copied lyrics of any significant number of boring radio rock songs posted in their notes?

It’s not that song lyrics have never affected me on a really personal level before. It’s just that none of them have been by the Killers.

Is their quotes section crammed with out-of-context inside jokes?

These can be any number of things. Typically, they consist of dirty-sounding misspoken phrases, potty jokes, and any possible variation of “That’s what she said,” attributed to a stupid nickname (usually something like “Big [capital letter]” or “The [Surname]ster”). The issue here isn’t whether or not these jokes are funny, because they almost never are. The important thing to note is how many of these there are. The rule of thumb goes like this: “Three dumb quotes is fine, four dumb quotes is okay, five or more dumb quotes, you’re a ridiculous, out of touch loser.”

There. That’s my list. It’s short and sweet, but I had to write this for all of the people who’ve annoyed the crap out of me lately. Facebook is a sorts of playground for me, and I don’t want to have to trip over your crap every time I want to get to the sandbox. I’m still looking for a way to kill app invites entirely. Once I find something, I’ll clue you in. Until then, avoid the DB’s and have fun. Adios!