The Endless Phone Call

Okay, so I’m going through another phase where all I can think about is Life. It’s fun to think about Life. I try to do it about every 3 or 4 months. It shakes things up. I typically think about really serious stuff when I think about Life though. It’s deeper than some of the other thoughts I have. So, I starting thinking, “there’s so many challenges you go through in life.” There’s emotional and physical; spiritual and mental. There’s the whole trying to match the black shirt with the black pants challenge. Cause there’s so many kinds of black. And, you’d be thinking, “Well, that’s black, and the other is black,” but that’s not the case at all. The first black looks blue next to the second black. So, yeah, anyways.

There are other, more important, challenges out there to wrestle with. Every once in a while I’ll run into this crazy challenge; trying to get off the phone with someone who’s oblivious to fact that you’re trying to get off the phone with them. You know those people. So, the phone rings, and you look at the caller id. The only reason you even answer the phone is because you feel like they can see you staring at the phone deciding whether or not to pick up, like they can see through the phone or something. Or, it’s blocked, and so you play phone roulette. And, then you get talked at for about an hour.

The only thing you end up saying for an entire hour is, “Uh huh, oh uh huh, yeah. Right. Uh huh.” But, based on your tone you’d think they’d be able to tell that you really don’t care what flavor of oatmeal is their dog’s favorite, but they can’t. These are usually the same friends who can’t tell when “maybe he’s just not that into you.” They just don’t notice things.

So, there’s a lot of ways you can try to get off the phone. I think we all try to do the same things. You start with the friendly, “Well, alright, I’ll let you go.” But, they don’t want to be let go. No, no. It’s alright, I just opened a 2 liter of Coke and a box of crackers… I’ve come prepared.

So, then you start making a bunch of noise and you start shuffling things around. That way, you can try this line, “Oh shoot! I gotta go, I just spilled Dr. Pepper all over my counter..” and they respond, “Guess what! That same thing just happened to me.” And now, they’re going to tell you about the time when it happened to them. A simple ploy to get off the phone ends up being a 20 minute lecture about irony and physics.

So, you finally just have to be bold about it and you say something like, “I have to go. 911 is on the other line.” But, just when you’re about to hang up, you’re so close you can taste it, and you think you’re just about to get off the line. Their son just walked in and they blurt out, “Oh wait, Johnny wants to say ‘HI” Now, you’re on the phone with a 2 year old who just likes to press the buttons.

So, now you hear a bunch of loud touch tones being fired off in your ears. And, as you try to get Johnny to stop you start sounding like a crazy person. “Johnny, put daddy back on the…. Johnny put… Johnny… Daddy… Johnny… Daddy… Johnny… Daddy… Daddy… John…..” and the phone goes dead. HALLELUJAH!